You're completely useless in the revolution.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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