You can't motorboat a personality
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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