the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
