Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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