Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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