What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
