Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
