Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
