I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize