I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
where are you?
Hypothermia
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
