nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
