We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
