I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
