I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
