Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
