I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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