Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
