Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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