I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
