Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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