dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
