What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
operation harelip BJ is a go
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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