this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
