So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
