he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
