I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
