Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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