there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
