so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
