I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
