did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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