dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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