I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
