If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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