I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
