my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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