my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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