Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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