Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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