Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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