Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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