I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
