I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have tasted many bathrooms
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
