I feel like abortions should bother me more
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
