Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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