I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
