Having a random hookup so left but love u
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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