I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
