Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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