At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
