I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
