Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
