Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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