dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
