I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
