you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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