Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
