My underwear smells like fireworks.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
