please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize