awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
