when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
