It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
