the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
