You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
