apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
