Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You are a genius and a whore.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
