Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
