You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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