It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
